Embracing Joy Again: Overcoming the Fear of Happiness After Loss
- Tina Armstrong
- Dec 17, 2025
- 5 min read
No one tells you how unsettling it can feel when joy shows up after loss or how to let it in without guilt. Joy after grief doesn’t return with fireworks. It slips in quietly, often alongside fear, uncertainty, and the question: Is this allowed?
For many women I work with, grief doesn’t just come with sadness. It comes with fear.
Fear of smiling too soon.
Fear of laughing again.
Fear that joy somehow means you’ve forgotten, moved on too quickly, or didn’t love deeply enough.
And for high-achieving Black women, who are often expected to stay strong, productive, and composed, this fear can feel especially heavy.
This blog is about what happens when joy starts to return after loss, and why that moment can feel just as unsettling as the grief itself.
Key Takeaways
Grief and joy can exist at the same time without canceling each other out.
Fear of feeling good again after loss is common, especially among Black
women.
Joy does not dishonor your loss; it supports emotional healing.
The nervous system needs positive emotion to regulate and recover.
You are allowed to experience joy at your own pace, without guilt.
Grief and Joy Can Coexist (Even If No One Prepared You for That)
One of the biggest myths about grief is that healing looks like a straight line.
It doesn’t.
Healing is non-linear, layered, and often surprising. You can miss someone deeply and still feel a moment of happiness in the same breath. You can feel gratitude and heartbreak at the same time.
And yet, when joy shows up unexpectedly, many women freeze.
“Is this okay?”
“Am I allowed to feel this?”
“What does this say about my grief?”
Why Mixed Emotions Feel So Uncomfortable
We weren’t taught how to hold complexity.
Society tends to give us two options:
You’re grieving
Or you’re “better”
But real life doesn’t work that way.
Emotional Experience | Cultural Expectation | Real Healing Experience |
Grief | Constant sadness | Waves of pain and relief |
Joy | Inappropriate after loss | Unexpected, fleeting, human |
Healing | “Moving on” | Learning to live with both |
Understanding that grief and joy are not opposites is often the first step toward emotional healing after loss.
The Fear of Feeling Joy After Loss
For many women, joy doesn’t feel comforting at first, it feels threatening.
Survivor’s Guilt and Emotional Loyalty
You may hear thoughts like:
“I shouldn’t be happy when they’re gone.”
“If I feel good, it means the loss didn’t matter.”
“Feeling joy feels disloyal.”
This is often rooted in survivor’s guilt, the belief that happiness somehow dishonors what was lost.
But joy doesn’t erase grief.
It doesn’t replace love.
It doesn’t rewrite the past.
It simply means your nervous system is beginning to breathe again.
Disrupting the Belief That Joy Is Disrespectful
One of the most harmful grief narratives is this:
“Feeling good again means I’m forgetting.”
That belief keeps women emotionally stuck.
Truth:
Joy does not cancel grief.
Joy does not dishonor loss.
Joy does not mean you’re “over it.”
Joy means you are human and still alive.
Disrupting this narrative is especially important for Black women, who are often taught that strength means endurance, not softness.
The Nervous System, Grief, and the Return of Joy
From a biological perspective, grief activates the body’s stress response. Over time, the nervous system looks for safety again.
Positive emotions, like moments of joy, calm, or connection, help regulate:
cortisol (stress hormone)
emotional overwhelm
nervous system fatigue
Your brain needs positive emotion to heal.
Joy is not indulgence.
It’s regulation.
Why Feeling Joy While Grieving Is More Common Than You Think
Research on bereavement shows that people often experience positive emotions even early in grief, especially when they feel safe or connected.
The Dual Process Model of Grief explains this well:
Focus | What It Looks Like |
Loss-oriented | Crying, remembering, longing |
Restoration-oriented | Laughing, engaging, rebuilding |
Healthy grief involves moving between both.
Common Triggers That Make Joy Feel Scary
You might notice fear of joy showing up during:
Holidays or anniversaries
Unexpected laughter
Making new memories
The first time you feel genuinely okay again
These moments don’t mean you’re doing grief “wrong.”
They mean you’re adjusting.
Gentle Strategies for Managing the Fear of Joy
1. Notice the Guilt Without Judging It
Instead of pushing guilt away, ask:
What is this guilt trying to protect?
Often, it’s trying to protect love—not punish happiness.
2. Replace “Should” Statements
“I should still be sad” → “I’m allowed to feel what’s true in this moment.”
3. Practice Emotional Permission
Joy doesn’t need to be permanent to be valid. A moment is enough.
Daily Practices That Support Emotional Healing After Loss
Journaling: “What did joy feel like today—and what scared me about it?”
Movement: Walking, stretching, dancing to regulate stored emotion
Rituals: Lighting a candle to honor loss and life
Grounding: Breathwork, warmth, consistent routines
Healing happens in small, embodied moments.
When Professional Support May Be Helpful
If grief feels overwhelming, prolonged, or isolating, therapy can offer structured support, especially for complicated grief, trauma, or depression.
Seeking help is not weakness.
It’s wisdom.
Letting Joy Be Part of the Healing
Healing after loss doesn’t mean forgetting. It means expanding your capacity to live again.
Joy returning doesn’t erase grief—it reminds your body that it’s still allowed to feel safe, connected, and human.
You don’t have to rush it.
You don’t have to force it.
And you don’t have to apologize for it.
Join the ROOTED Community
If this reflection resonated, you may be looking for people who get it.
The ROOTED Community is for Black women pursuing emotional wellness with intention, through faith, psychology, and honest connection.
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You don’t have to navigate this alone.
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FAQ
1) Is it normal to feel afraid when joy returns after loss?
Yes. Fear, guilt, or uncertainty around joy is common in grief and doesn’t mean you’re healing “wrong.”
2). Does joy mean I’m "over" my grief?
No. Grief and joy can exist at the same time. Joy doesn’t erase love or loss.
3). How can I support a loved one who is grieving during the holidays?
Be present and listen to their story. Avoid clichés or minimizing their feelings. Offer practical support, such as helping with errands or cooking meals. Recognize the signs of struggle and be patient, understanding that grief is a unique and individual experience.
4). Is this therapy or mental health treatment?
No. This content is educational and reflective, not therapy or a substitute for professional care.
5). Where can I continue this kind of reflection and support?
If you’re looking for ongoing guidance, shared language, and community support, the ROOTED Community may be a good fit for you.
I have found it incredibly helpful to remind myself and those I work with that Loss is real and so is Joy. Neither has to cancel the other out. I hope this brings you or a loved one comfort during this season!