When You Want Love but Also Want to Run: How Trauma, Attachment, and the Nervous System Shape the Push-Pull Dynamic- Disorganized Attachment.
- Tina Armstrong
- Nov 19
- 9 min read
“I don’t get it,” Maya shared. “I want closeness… but the moment someone
actually tries to love me, I shut down.”
She isn’t being dramatic or inconsistent—she’s experiencing the classic push-pull cycle of disorganized attachment.
This quick back-and-forth, leaning in, then pulling away isn’t personality-driven. It’s nervous-system driven. And it's far more common than most women realize, especially high-preforming Black women carrying chronic stress and trauma histories.
Before we dive in, here’s the truth:
If you see yourself in Maya, nothing is wrong with you.
Your body is simply protecting you the best way it knows how.
Key Takeaways
Understanding the link between trauma and the nervous system is crucial
for healing.
Disorganized attachment isn’t “confusion”; it’s survival wiring.
Recognizing the root causes of attachment trauma is the first step towards
recovery.
Somatic and nervous-system-based healing can shift push-pull patterns.
Healing is possible—with awareness, support, and embodied practices.
The Push-Pull Dynamic: Why You Want Love but Also Want to Run
Many women describe it as a “tug-of-war inside my chest.”
A longing for closeness paired with a sudden instinct to withdraw or numb out.
This push-pull dynamic is one of the most common signs of disorganized attachment, an attachment style believed to be rooted in early trauma, chronic stress, or inconsistent caregiving.
If you’ve ever thought:
“Why do I get anxious when someone gets too close?”
“Why do I shut down as soon as I start caring?”
“Why do I chase connection and then push it away?”
You’re not broken—your body is responding, not your character.
More about the Push-Pull Dynamic
The push-pull dynamic is a pattern where one person in a relationship is drawn to the other, yet feels an overwhelming urge to pull away. This can be a source of significant distress and confusion, both for the individual experiencing it and their partner.
The roots of this dynamic often lie in past traumas or attachment issues. When we've experienced trauma, our attachment style can become disorganized, leading to a mix of contradictory behaviors in our relationships. We might be intensely attracted to someone, signaling a deep desire for connection, but then pull away due to a deep-seated fear of intimacy or abandonment.
Understanding this dynamic is crucial for healing and developing healthier attachment patterns. By recognizing the signs of disorganized attachment and how it manifests in our relationships, we can begin to address the underlying issues and work towards a more secure and fulfilling connection with others.
What Disorganized Attachment Really Is (and Why It’s Not “Confusing on Purpose”)
The truth about disorganized attachment is that it's not a deliberate attempt to be manipulative, but rather a result of unresolved trauma. Disorganized attachment is a complex and multifaceted issue that affects many adults, particularly those who have experienced trauma in their past.
Disorganized attachment emerges when the people we depended on also felt unsafe, unpredictable, or emotionally inconsistent.
Your nervous system learned two messages at the same time:
“I need connection to survive.”
“Connection is dangerous.”
This creates contradictory behaviors like:
being warm and open one moment
being distant or overwhelmed the next
Not because you’re “indecisive”—but because your body is trying to protect you from harm it remembers, even if your mind doesn’t. This is why healing disorganized attachment requires nervous system regulation, not shame.
Breaking Down the Stigma Around Disorganized Attachment
It's essential to break down the stigma surrounding disorganized attachment. We need to understand that it's not something to be ashamed of, but rather a legitimate response to trauma. By acknowledging this, we can begin to heal and work towards forming healthier attachment styles.
Why This Pattern Often Goes Unseen in High-Preforming Black Women
The unique challenges faced by Black women can mask the signs of disorganized attachment, making it harder to recognize. These women often embody strength and resilience, traits that are deeply ingrown in our cultural heritage. However, these very traits can sometimes obscure the underlying struggles with attachment and connection.
To understand this phenomenon, we must consider the intersection of culture, trauma, and attachment. For many high-preforming Black women, the expectation to be strong and resilient can lead to a suppression of vulnerabilities, including those related to attachment issues.
The Unique Intersection of Culture, Trauma, and Attachment
Cultural and societal factors significantly influence how attachment patterns manifest. The legacy of historical trauma, coupled with contemporary experiences of racism and sexism, can complicate attachment styles. This is particularly true for high-preforming Black women who may have developed coping mechanisms that mask their struggles with disorganized attachment.
Some key factors that contribute to the complexity of disorganized attachment in this demographic include:
Cultural expectations of strength and resilience
Historical and intergenerational trauma
Societal pressures and stereotypes
The need to navigate multiple identities and roles
Recognizing these factors is crucial to understanding and addressing disorganized attachment . By acknowledging the intricate web of culture, trauma, and attachment, we can begin to unravel the complexities that often hide the signs.
Chronic Stress, Survival Mode, and the Internal “Push-Pull” Response
Chronic stress effects on our nervous system, often triggering a survival response that complicates our attachment styles. When we're under constant stress, our body's "fight or flight" response is continually activated, leading to an internal conflict that can manifest as a push-pull dynamic in our relationships.
The Impact of Chronic Stress on Attachment
Chronic stress can significantly alter how we attach to others. When we're in survival mode, our primary focus is on safety, which can override our ability to form secure attachments. This can lead to a pattern of reaching out for connection while simultaneously pushing away due to fear of vulnerability or past traumas.
Understanding this dynamic is crucial for healing. By recognizing how chronic stress affects our attachment, we can begin to work on strategies to mitigate its impact and develop a more secure attachment style.
Key effects of chronic stress on attachment include:
Increased anxiety and fear in relationships
Difficulty in trusting others
A tendency to either cling to or push away from partners
Physical symptoms like tension or numbness during interactions
If you're experiencing the push-pull conflict in your relationships and are seeking support, we encourage you to reach out for assistance in navigating these challenges.
Embodied Practices to Create Safety and Regulation From the Inside Out
Embodied healing practices offer a powerful way to address disorganized attachment by promoting nervous system regulation and overall well-being. When we experience trauma, our body's response can become stuck in a state of hypervigilance or dissociation, making it challenging to form healthy attachments. However, by incorporating somatic practices into our daily lives, we can begin to heal from the inside out.
Somatic Practices for Healing Disorganized Attachment
Somatic practices focus on the connection between the body and mind, allowing us to release physical tension and promote emotional regulation. Here are some embodied practices that can help you create a sense of safety and regulation:
Deep Breathing Exercises: Conscious breathing can help calm the nervous system and reduce stress. Try inhaling for a count of four, holding for a count of four, and exhaling for a count of four.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation: This practice involves tensing and relaxing different muscle groups to release physical tension. Start with your toes and work your way up to your head.
Mindful Movement: Engage in physical activities like yoga or tai chi that promote mindfulness and body awareness. These practices can help you connect with your body and regulate your nervous system.
Grounding Techniques: Grounding techniques, such as walking barefoot or focusing on the sensation of your feet on the ground, can help you feel more connected to your body and the present moment.
Self-Compassion Practices: Cultivate self-compassion by practicing gentle self-touch, such as placing a hand on your heart or giving yourself a hug. This can help you feel more comforted and secure.
By incorporating these embodied practices into your daily routine, you can begin to heal from disorganized attachment and develop a more secure attachment style. Remember, healing is a journey, and it's essential to be patient and compassionate with yourself along the way.
Putting It Into Action: A Grounding Ritual for When You Feel Conflicted or Pulled in Two Directions
In moments of conflicted emotions, a grounding practice can help you find your center again. When you're caught in the push-pull dynamic of disorganized attachment, it's easy to feel like you're being pulled apart. A grounding ritual can be a powerful tool to help you reconnect with your body and calm your nervous system.
A Practical Guide to Grounding Yourself
Grounding techniques help you rewire your nervous system after trauma by focusing on the present moment and your bodily sensations. Here's a simple yet effective grounding ritual you can practice:
Step 1: Find a quiet, comfortable space where you can sit or stand without distraction.
Step 2: Take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. As you breathe, bring your attention to the sensation of the breath moving in and out of your body.
Step 3: Notice the sensation of your feet touching the ground. Imagine roots growing from the soles of your feet, deep into the earth, anchoring you firmly.
Step 4: As you continue to breathe deeply, bring to mind a safe, comforting place or memory. Allow yourself to fully immerse in the sensations and feelings of this place.
Step 5: Repeat a gentle, affirming phrase to yourself, such as "I am safe," "I am grounded," or "I am enough."
By practicing this embodied healing practice, you'll begin to feel more grounded and secure, even in the midst of conflicting emotions. This ritual can help you feel safe in connection by regulating your nervous system and promoting a sense of inner peace.
Next Steps: Nurturing Support for Black Women
In my work at Living Connected Psychological, Inc., I help high-achieving women unwind chronic stress in the body and learn to connect without losing themselves. If you are ready to trade armor for anchored strength, I would love to walk with you.
You can begin this journey right where you are—with my ROOTED 90-Day Sacred Transformation Devotional, a daily guide to help you pause, breathe, and realign your mind, body, and spirit. It’s filled with reflections, Scriptures, and practices that gently lead you back to peace and presence.
Join our ROOTED Community, explore the ROOTED Devotional, or reach out to me directly at 626-360-0828 or info@livingconnectedmbs.com to take your next step.
FAQ
1 What is disorganized attachment, and how does it relate to trauma?
Disorganized attachment is an attachment style that develops in response to trauma, leading to conflicting desires for connection and intimacy. It's a result of the nervous system's response to trauma, causing mixed signals in relationships.
2 How does trauma affect the nervous system, and what are the consequences for attachment?
Trauma impacts the nervous system by triggering a constant "fight or flight" response, leading to dysregulation and mixed signals. This can result in disorganized attachment, making it challenging to form and maintain healthy relationships.
3 What are the signs of disorganized attachment in adults, and how does it manifest in relationships?
Disorganized attachment in adults can manifest as a push-pull dynamic, fear of intimacy, or conflicting attachment signals. This can lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships.
4 How does chronic stress impact attachment, and what can be done to mitigate its effects?
Chronic stress can push individuals into survival mode, triggering a constant "fight or flight" response and leading to disorganized attachment. Practicing somatic healing, self-care, and stress management techniques can help mitigate its effects.
5 What are some embodied practices that can help heal disorganized attachment?
Embodied practices such as somatic experiencing, mindfulness, and grounding rituals can help regulate the nervous system and promote a sense of safety and security, leading to a more secure attachment style.
6 How can I start healing from disorganized attachment, and what resources are available?
Healing from disorganized attachment requires a holistic approach that includes somatic practices, self-care, and support. Resources such as therapy, support groups, and online communities like the ROOTED Virtual Wellness Community can provide guidance and support throughout the healing journey.
7 What is the connection between attachment trauma and the nervous system, and how can it be addressed?
Attachment trauma affects the nervous system, leading to dysregulation and mixed signals. Addressing this connection requires a somatic approach that includes practices like somatic experiencing, mindfulness, and grounding rituals to regulate the nervous system.
8 What role does culture play in shaping attachment styles, particularly for high-functioning Black women?
Cultural and societal factors can significantly impact attachment styles, particularly for high-functioning Black women. Understanding these factors can help shed light on the unique challenges faced by this demographic and provide a more nuanced understanding of disorganized attachment.
The Role of the Nervous System in Attachment
The nervous system plays a vital role in attachment, as it regulates our responses to emotional cues and social interactions. When we experience trauma, our nervous system may become overwhelmed, leading to an imbalance in our attachment behaviors.
Here are some key ways trauma affects the nervous system and attachment:
Dysregulation of Emotional Responses: Trauma can cause an overactive stress response, making it difficult to manage emotions and respond to others in a balanced way.
Impact on Social Interactions: The nervous system's response to trauma can lead to difficulties in trusting others, intimacy issues, and a fear of abandonment.
Somatic Symptoms: Trauma can manifest physically, such as through tension, pain, or other bodily sensations, further complicating attachment.
Understanding these dynamics is the first step towards healing. By acknowledging the role of the nervous system in attachment and how trauma affects it, we can begin to address the root causes of our disorganized attachment.
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